Change of Heart, or, Is it Aging?

I’m beginning to shift my perspective on aging.  This morning I was reading a blurb on Nora Ephron’s new book of essays I Remember NOTHING and Other Reflections. From chapter “The O Word”  she describes some of her reflections on growing OLD: “I’m 69 years old. Let’s pretend I make it to 80. Of those 10 years, five are going to suck. That’s what nobody says.”

When Woody Allen was recently asked “How do you feel about the aging process?”, his response was:  ”Well, I’m against it. I think it has nothing to recommend it. You don’t gain any wisdom as the years go by. You fall apart, is what happens. People try and put a nice varnish on it, and say, well, you mellow. You come to understand life and accept things. But you’d trade all of that for being 35 again.”

In all my years of serving elderly clients, I have never known anyone to embrace the big W word (wisdom) to assuage their longevity in years. It is drudgery to stay on top of a body that is breaking down inside and out.  More of one’s time is taken up by medical appointments, ailments, pain – in the joints, the muscles, the organs…and, then, there is bingo!    My early idealism of growing into a wise old age was naive. I don’t discount wisdom and old-age. I think it is just overrated. And, as Nora Ephron writes: “…that’s what nobody says.“

I want to be real about gett’n old and that’s wisdom. Bingo is out.

Lost in San Francisco

Standing in line to catch the Ferry from San Francisco back to Oakland, the caregiver did not notice that the person he had been hired to take care of, had wandered away onto the busy streets of the Embarcadero.  When the caregiver remembered to put his attention back on the client who had been standing behind him (ouch!), the eighty four year old man with advanced Alzheimer’s was no where to be found.  Frantically, the caregiver began running around the crowds looking, looking everywhere. No Big Guy anywhere (client psudo name).  Panicked, he called the wife of Big Guy.  She reminded him to follow the instruction of the PERS (Personal Emergency Response System) device – EmFinders-  a card he held in his pocket just in case Big Guy goes MISSING.  Big Guy had  an EmSeeQ (EmFinders) bracelet on.  She immediately rallied her connections in San Francisco and they hit the streets on foot. It was getting dark.  EmFinders had put their  U-TDOA Phase II location technology to the test.  The 911 service responder picked up the caregiver at the Embarcadero and they began to wind their way through the streets following the signal location.   The trouble was that they could not find him fast enough because of the crowds. It was dark now and made the search that much more difficult.

The location of Big Guy was changing quickly – he obviously was on the move. Unfortunately he happened to be in the Mission and was nearing Bay Point.  The police officer was very concerned. Big Guy also wore  some fine pieces of jewelry and cash in his pocket.  They were not so much scared that they would not find him but there was fear that they find him before any harm was done.

Finally, the police officer’s care followed the signal into a large empty parking lot, dark and isolated. Big Guy was up against a chain link fence, holding onto to it, lost. And found. PERS technology devices are invaluable and Big Guy may never have been found without it.

Presto and voila – He’s reconnected to his large Italian family again!

Roberto is his name.  He has 5 children, many grandchildren, friends, and siblings. Roberto was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 4 years ago; had to quit his family business 2 years ago.  He is a loving and kind gentleman that is a self made man.  His language skills are gone, alas, he still understands what you are saying to some degree and he hopes others will listen to him. Even if he is not making sense to who he is talking to, it remains vitally important to have conversation as he once loved the gift of gab.  Many of the  family members had stopped calling him on the phone because they didn’t know what to say anymore and were uncomfortable with his loss of language.  At holiday gatherings, no one really stays present for him and he is often left apart from the ‘life of the party’.  Slowly Roberto was becoming disconnected from his life threads.

Hired recently as his Care Manager, I discussed some technology devices with his wife,  and she agreed that I could purchase and install a Presto machine.  He now receives communication notes with photos almost every day from various members of his extended family. When Roberto comes home from an outing for the day, he checks his Presto that sits on his old desk.

Voila, more pictures and messages from his grandson, his step daughter, his friend in Arizona, his brother.  You can see more about Presto at www.presto.com.

Now an ‘aging in place specialist’. Exactly, what does that mean?

I just completed my  training and am now a certified Aging- in- Place (AIP)  Specialist; this is a certification issued by   National Association of  Home Builders.  You might wonder…what the heck does that mean for a Care Manager?  What it means for me is that I can put together an even better team to help clients evaluate what modifications are most necessary for their safety and quality of life while remaining in their homes for as long as possible and enjoy it!  Builders, architects, interior designers, physical therapists, occupational therapists, and care managers made up the demographics of the class.   I find the most challenging element in a successful age-in-place model is the pre planning stages which is usually skipped altogether as most persons wait for a dramatic change in health to bring about minimum aging in place modifications.

It’s a very important consideration for care managers and family members to talk with clients about, especially when it comes to taking out that reverse mortgage to help an older adult pay for their long term care.  What are the objectives for where one intends to live for the long haul? If it is to ‘stay in the home’ until skilled nursing is the only option, then it would be of benefit to have a consultation of costs involved to do some modifications that address that person’s direct quality of life – independence, ease of movement and access to areas in the home, safety, and various technology that can monitor and  assist an older adult or person with disabilities in navigating their environment.  It’s an exciting field and is just the beginning of a burgeoning business as the baby boomer population begins to ‘renovate’ their lives for the second half.

Talking to Aging Parents About Change

Studies show that most people want to continue living independently despite health problems or age-related  issues. As a professional geriatric care manager, I often work with children of aging parents to assist them with navigating the often-overwhelming issues of caring for their aging parents.   I am a baby boomer myself with a busy life, and when my mother  fell and broke her femur and her hip, she went from being completely independent to completely dependent. She could no longer drive, go to the bathroom by herself, cook her own meals, no longer control her world based on her vivacious past.  It was

Growing Old

When I grow old and other people take care of me, I hope I will be served strong brewed coffee with real cream and that I can eat my breakfast at 10 o’clock in the morning and not between 8-9:00 o’clock.   I want to take bubble baths with the lingering scent of Verbena and Patchouli and have my lunch at 1:00 in the afternoon.  I’ve always enjoyed a glass of wine in the evening with my meal; it is a ritual of sorts with deep roots in my family history…a time that reminds me of listening to Edith Piaf with my father and sipping on Zinfindel while talking about the state of affairs or his adventures during World War II.   My father had his last glass of Zinfindel at lunchtime on March 3, 1994.  He went to take his daily nap afterwards and died while napping.  What a wonderful way to live: to die while sleeping, while dreaming…

Residential Options Best for Your Elderly Parent

Do you remember your first speech class, where you were assigned a topic and had to develop an argument for or against the subject at hand? Where you realized that there really are two sides to everything regardless of wanting to believe there is only one?  My view of the pros and cons of Assisted Living facilities is a mixed bag.  I could argue for it in some instances.  There are times when, for an older adult, relocating to a residential community it a good thing measured by the person’s happiness in doing so.  I usually prefer to argue against it.  It most often feels like living in a big hotel.  When I visit one of these places, I always talk with the residents, some pushing their walkers around; sitting alone on a bench outside, or in the elevator going up.  I ask them…

Growing Old Poem

Why does a date-palm lose its leaves in autumn?
Why does every beautiful face grow in old age
Wrinkled like the back of a Libyan lizard?
Why does a full head of hair get bald?

Why is it that the
Lion’s strength weakens to nothing?
The wrestler who could hold anyone down
Their shoulders under his arms?
God answers,
“They put on borrowed robes
And pretended they were theirs.
I take the beautiful clothes back,
So that you will learn the robe
Of appearance is only a loan.”
Your lamp was lit from another lamp.
All God wants is your gratitude for that.

-Rumi

Forgetfullness

Forgetfulness, by Billy Collins

The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion,
the entire novel which suddenly becomes one you have never read,  never even heard of, as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,  to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,
something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

Let me grow lovely, growing old…

Poem by Karle Wilson Baker

Let me grow lovely, growing old–
So many fine things do:
Laces, and ivory, and gold,
And silks need not be new;
And there is healing in old trees,
Old streets a glamour hold;
Why may not I, as well as these,
Grow lovely, growing old?